Advanced Level
“I have no power over my online shopping habits”
Coach Kim Morgan guides a woman who has backed herself into a corner financially during the loneliness and monotony of lockdown
Session one
“It’s a quick fix for isolation and anxiety”
It took Shanie a lot of time and courage to tell me why she wanted guidance. However, sometimes, there are clues from the beginning. Shanie shut down the conversation that I initiated about my fees: ‘It’s no problem. I will pay up front,’ she said hurriedly. Her doorbell rang with deliveries several times during our session. I wondered whether Shanie’s relationship with money had anything to do with her asking for help. Towards the end of the session, Shanie finally told me why she had sought my guidance. ‘I live on my own and have been on furlough since the beginning of lockdown. I am lonely, bored and anxious about what is going to happen to me.’ I asked Shanie what was causing her the most anguish. My question released a torrent of words and emotions: ‘I’m worried about money. I’moverdrawn and in debt. I probably have a shopping addiction. It’s so easy to just click and buy. I purchase things I don’t need. When the doorbell rang today, I couldn’t even remember what I had ordered,’ she said in despair. Shanie was clearly distressed and, as we were close to the end of the session, I wanted her to leave feeling that she had made some progress. I thanked her for her honesty and I said I appreciated the courage that it had taken for her to talk about her spending. ‘Often, the first step in making a change is acknowledging your situation and taking a long, hard look at the reality,’ I told Shanie. ‘Congratulations on having done that today. Once you have acknowledged where you are, you can start to think about where you want to be, and what will help you get there.’ It was also important for me to be clear at this stage about the limits of my expertise – that I was not a specialist in debt or addiction counselling and that, as our sessions progressed, I may feel it more appropriate to refer Shanie to more specialised support.
Session two
What’s the pay-off?
Shanie had been thinking about her spending. ‘I shop online to make myself feel better she said. ‘I justify it by telling myself that I’m not paying for travel, lunches, nights out or hair appointments.’ I asked Shanie how she feels when she buys something, and when it arrives. ‘I get a buzz she said. ‘I even like it when the delivery person takes a photo of me! How sad is that?’ ‘What do you think your habit is giving you that you don’t have otherwise?’ I asked. ‘Attention, feeling important, excitement, choice and control,’ she replied with surprising insight. ‘How do you feel after the initial rush?’ I pressed. Remorse, shame and worried about debt,’ she admitted. I asked Shanie to imagine herself in five years’ time if she didn’t stop, and to tell me what she saw. Shanie was upset as she described herself as penniless and jobless. This was a worst-case scenario but to increase motivation to change, it is important to link our behaviour with potential long-term consequences. We continued to work on Shanie’s potential future by imagining the best version of herself in five years’ time and what would get her there. Shanie scribbled copious notes and was deep in thought by the end of our session.
Session three
Shanie had drawn the two versions of her future self. ‘I keep them by my desk – the one I want to become and the one I never want to become,’ she announced. ‘If I feel the urge to buy something I do not need, I look at the drawing of the Shanie I never want to be and it stops me from spending!’ ‘Who is the person you want to be?’ I asked. ‘What role does she play in her own life?’ Shanie replied: ‘She has choice and control over her life and she is loved and happy. She gives and gets attention – and not just from the person taking her photograph at the door to prove delivery! The two potential Shanies keep me focused on where I want to go and where I could end up if I don’t change my behaviour.’ ‘Just like that?’ I asked in astonishment. ‘Pretty much – yes! Thank you – that exercise shocked me into seeing the reality of my circumstances. The only thing I have bought since then is a book about managing money!’
از بیان برتر حمایت کن
برای حمایت از خدمات رایگان بیان برتر، کلیک کنید و در گوگل بهمون رای بدید ورود به صفحه گوگل
برای حمایت از خدمات رایگان بیان برتر، کلیک کنید و در گوگل بهمون رای بدید ورود به صفحه گوگل
Elementry Level
“I cannot control my shopping habits”
Coach Kim Morgan shows the right way to a woman who has put herself into a difficult financial situation during the lonelinesst and boredom of lockdown
Session one
“It’s an easy solution for isolation and anxiety”
Shanie told me why she wanted help after a long time. However, sometimes there are clues from the beginning. Shanie interrupted me when I wanted to tell her about my fees. ‘It’s no problem. I will pay in advance,’ she said hurriedly. Her doorbell rang with deliveries several times during our session. Did she need help because of her relationship with money? Towards the end of the session, Shanie finally told me why she needed help. ‘I live on my own and have been on leave since the beginning of lockdown. I am lonely, bored and anxious about what is going to happen to me.’ I asked Shanie what was causing her the most pain. She had a lot of words to say and emotions to show. ‘I’m worried about money. I have spent more than I had in my account and I’m in debt. I probably have a shopping addiction. It’s so easy to just click and buy. I purchase things I don’t need. When the doorbell rang today, I couldn’t even remember what I had ordered,’ she said with no hope. Shanie was clearly very upset and, as we were close to the end of the session, I wanted her to feel she had made some progress. I thanked her for her honesty and I said I understood how courageous she was to talk about her spending. ‘Often, the first step in making a change is accepting your situation and taking look at the reality,’ I told Shanie. ‘Congratulations on having done that today. After you have accepted where you are, you can start to think about where you want to be, and what will help you get there.’ It was also important for me to be clear about the limits of my expertise – that I was not a specialist in debt or addiction counselling and that, as our sessions progressed, I may refer Shanie to more specialised support.
Session two
What’s the result?
Shanie had been thinking about her spending. ‘I shop online to make myself feel better,’ she said. ‘I explain it by telling myself that I’m not paying for travel, lunches, nights out or hair appointments.’ I asked Shanie how she feels when she buys something, and when it arrives. ‘I get excited,’ she said. ‘I even like it when the delivery person takes a photo of me! How sad is that?’ ‘What do you think your habit is giving you that you don’t have otherwise?’ I asked. ‘Attention, feeling important, excitement, choice and control,’ she replied with surprising insight. ‘How do you feel after the initial excitement?’ I pressed. Remorse, shame and worried about debt,’ she admitted. I asked Shanie to imagine herself in five years’ time if she didn’t stop, and to tell me what she saw. Shanie was upset as she described herself as poor and jobless. This was the most unpleasant or serious thing that could happen but to increase motivation to change, it is important to link our behaviour with potential long-term consequences. We continued to work on Shanie’s potential future by imagining the best version of herself in five years’ time and what would get her there. Shanie wrote down a lot of notes and was deep in thought by the end of our session.
Session three
Shanie had drawn the two versions of her future self. ‘I keep them by my desk – the one I want to become and the one I never want to become,’ she said. ‘If I feel the desire to buy something I do not need, I look at the drawing of the Shanie I never want to be and it stops me from spending!’ ‘Who is the person you want to be?’ I asked. ‘What role does she play in her own life?’ Shanie replied: ‘She has choice and control over her life and she is loved and happy. She gives and gets attention – and not just from the person taking her photograph at the door to prove delivery! The two potential Shanies keep me focused on where I want to go and where I could end up if I don’t change my behaviour.’ ‘Just like that?’ I asked. ‘Almost – yes! Thank you – that exercise made me see the reality of my circumstances. The only thing I have bought since then is a book about managing money!
برای حمایت از خدمات رایگان بیان برتر، کلیک کنید و در گوگل بهمون رای بدید ورود به صفحه گوگل
"هیچ کنترلی روی عادات خرید آنلاینم ندارم"
مربی‌ای به نام کیم مورگان خانمی رو راهنمایی میکنه که در تنهایی و یکنواختی قرنطینه از لحاظ مالی خودش رو در موقعیت سختی قرار داده.
جلسه اول
"یه راه حل سریع برای انزوا و اضطرابه."
برای شانی زمان و جرأت زیادی برد که بهم بگه چرا راهنمایی میخواست. با این حال، بعضی وقتا از همون اول یه نشونه هایی هست. شانی نذاشت حرفم در مورد هزینه کارم تموم شه. با عجله گفت "مشکلی نیست. همه رو از پیش پرداخت میکنم." زنگ خونه‌اش در طول جلسه بارها برای تحویل بسته به صدا دراومد. از خودم پرسیدم آیا ارتباط شانی با پول ربطی به کمک خواستنش داره یا نه. آخرای جلسه بالاخره بهم گفت چرا ازم راهنمایی خواسته بود. "من تنها زندگی میکنم و از شروع قرنطینه مرخصی گرفته‌ام. من تنها و کسلم و این که چه بلایی قراره سرم بیاد مضطربم میکنه. ازش پرسیدم چی از همه بیشتر باعث درد و رنجش میشه. سوال من باعث شد حرفها و احساساتش فوران کنه: "من نگران پولم. بیشتر از مبلغی که تو حسابم دارم خرج کردم و بدهکارم. احتمالاً اعتیاد به خرید دارم. خیلی راحته که کلیک کنم و خرید کنم. چیزایی میخرم که احتیاج ندارم. وقتی امروز زنگ در رو زدن حتی یادم نمیومد چی سفارش داده بودم." با ناامیدی گفت. واضح بود که غمگین بود و همینطور که داشتیم به آخر جلسه میرسیدیم، خواستم حس کنه یه پیشرفتی کردیم. برای صداقتش ازش تشکر کردم و گفتم شجاعتش برای صحبت راجع به خرج کردنش قابل تقدیره. "اغلب، اولین قدم برای تغییر، پذیرفتن وضعیت و دیدن واقعیت هست" بهش گفتم "برای انجام این کار بهت تبریک میگم. وقتی پذیرفتی کجایی، میتونی به این فکر کنی که دوست داری کجا باشی و چی بهت کمک میکنه به اونجا برسی." به علاوه برام مهم بود که در این مرحله به وضوح بگم تخصص من یه محدودیت هایی داره – که من متخصص مشاوره بدهکاری یا اعتیاد نبودم و همینطور که جلسات پیش میرفت، ممکن بود صلاح بدونم شانی رو به یه فرد متخصص تر معرفی کنم.
جلسه دوم
نتیجه‌اش چیه؟
شانی به خرج کردناش فکر کرده بود. "من آنلاین خرید میکنم که حس بهتری داشته باشم" "این جوری خودمو توجیه میکنم که پولی بابت سفر، ناهار، شب بیرون رفتن یا مو کوتاه کردن نمیدم" ازش پرسیدم چه حسی داره وقتی چیزی میخره و وقتی به دستش میرسه. گفت "حس هیجان" "حتی خوشم میاد وقتی کسی که بسته رو میاره ازم عکس میگیره! چقدر اوضام غم انگیزه. پرسیدم "این عادت چی بهت میده که در غیر این صورت نداری؟ با یه بینش حیرت آوری گفت "توجه، احساس مهم بودن، هیجان، انتخاب و کنترل" پرسیدم "بعد از هیجان اولیه چه حسی داری؟" اعتراف کرد "عذاب وجدان، خجالت و نگرانی بابت بدهی" ازش خواستم خودشون پنج سال دیگه تصور کنه در حالی که این کارو ترک نکرده و بهم بگه چی دید. ناراحت بود همینطور که داشت خودشو بی پول و بیکار توصیف میکرد. این بدبینانه ترین حالت ممکن بود اما برای بالا بردن انگیزه برای تغییر، مهمه که رفتارمون رو به عواقب بلند مدت احتمالی ربط بدیم. به کارمون روی آینده احتمالی شانی ادامه دادیم با تصور بهترین نسخه خودش در پنج سال آینده و این که چی اونو به اونجا میرسونه. شانی یه عالمه نکته برداری کرد و آخرای جلسه عمیق به فکر فرورفته بود.
جلسه سوم
شانی دو نسخه از آینده خودش به تصویر کشیده بود. "اونها رو کنار میزم نگه میدارم – اونی که میخوام بشم و اونی هرگز نمیخوام بشم" " اگه احساس کنم میخوام چیزی بخرم که احتیاج ندارم، به اون نقاشی‌ای نگاه میکنم که هرگز نمیخوام باشم و این باعث میشه خرید نکنم." ازش پرسیدم "اونی که میخوای باشی کیه؟" "چه نقشی در زندگی خودش بازی میکنه؟" جواب داد: "حق انتخاب و کنترل داره روی زندگیش و همه دوستش دارن و خوشحاله. به همه توجه میکنه و از همه توجه میگیره – نه فقط از کسی که عکسشو میگیره که ثابت کنه جنس رو تحویل داده! این دو شانی احتمالی منو متمرکز نگه میدارن – کجا میخوام برم و اگه رفتارمو تغییر ندم ممکنه سر از کجا دربیارم." با تعجب پرسیدم "همینجوری؟" "تقریباً بله! ممنون. این تمرین واقعا ناراحتم کرد چون واقعیت رو دیدم. تنها چیزی که از اون موقع خریدم یه کتاب درباره مدیریت پوله!
